I spent the majority of 2017 indoors. In fact I love being indoors, I love home. My bed is the most comfortable place on earth, and yet I hate it. I hated everything about the last year. I feel like I’ve been in a dark corner. Years worth of work feel a little wasted, after having put in all this effort. You tend to see the success of others and wonder when yours is due, and that is a problem.
Being an independent musician is all about earning your success. It’s a very stressful job, the here today gone tomorrow kind. We’ve got careers that last shorter than K3G, and when you look at the larger picture, it can be quite unsettling. The worst part is that you enter this world for the love of music, and then get a little lost because you told yourself you’d figure it out on the way.
I’ve never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but 2017 had been tough. At the turn of the year I lost my grandfather, and it put a lot of things into perspective, however it also took me to a dark place. For an entire year, as I’d mentioned before, I pretty much stayed indoors. My desire to make music had diminished, to write, to be creative, to step out, to travel, to experience things, had subsided. I was going through something I’d not experienced before. Burn out. I thought, I was genuinely burnt out. After quitting two jobs and releasing an album, whilst fumbling through it, I finally thought things had caught up with me.
In 2016, putting together a tour of that magnitude was insane, 6 months of work and research, making presentations, and going for meetings, before I even set foot on an aircraft for 6 weeks. I recorded an entire album in my bedroom, because I didn’t have the money to do it in a proper studio, so as a bonus if you hear dogs howling or car horns, you’re welcome. In 6 months I touched the guitar for that one week I recorded my music, the only time I did before setting off on tour. The experience of being on tour was liberating, because my best friend taught me things I’d never thought I’d learn. The moment it all ended, was when I felt i’d snapped back to reality. The weight of the question “what’s next?” stood so heavily upon my shoulders.
I woke up in 2017 thinking that there was nothing to do next morning, and when that happens, you live with an empty mind. Now this starts off well; clear thoughts, no interruptions. However, two weeks in, you give yourself the time to stew in that emptiness, and that turns into lethargy, and negativity. I gained so much weight last year that I earned my gravitational field, and the quest to build the energy to lose it was hard. Not hard because, because of the effort, but because I wasn’t motivated.
That terrified me. Since the age of 7 I’d lived and breathed music, but for the first time in my life, I wasn’t motivated. It became impossible to write, food became my best friend, and I was lost in a world of video games. I spent 130 hours playing the Witcher, and god knows how many other games. It felt easier to lose myself in someone else’s story. Something wasn’t right, and the more I tried to fix it, the deeper I fell. I was no longer burnt out, I was depressed. But why was I like that? Why did I choose to hide indoors, and away from everything?
When I woke up in 2018, I’d found something, a purpose, an objective, and a path to keeping my dream a live. I mean, sure it’s another year, and another day when you look at it (I mean come on, the year started on a monday). I’m at a point where I’m young enough to make mistakes, and put up with a few difficult obstacles, but too old to look cute as I fail. And that’s the beauty of it, I don’t want to fail. Writing and performing my music was what I was born to do.
In 2018, in the first 3 months of the year, I’m going to have my music feature on a telugu film, I’m already looking forward to one of the best collaborations with one of India’s finest guitarists, a school senior in fact, I’ll be performing internationally, at least twice this year at SXSW and the Canadian Music Week, and I’ve got a new album coming out this year!
On the 19th of April this year, it’ll be 10 years since my father passed away. From the moment he left my family and I, I’ve continued to use is absence as my audience. He’d never seen me perform, and this year, I want to give him the show of a lifetime. To make sure that no one watches without smiling.
And with that, I’ll continue my journey through the stars.